"It's hard for me to believe that guiding others will help me correct my own inappropriate behavior and improper thoughts."
"Another effective way of mastering ourselves is to instruct a friend and guide him towards goodness. ... If we study the ways of human nature in order to understand the paths of man and his falseness - this study of 'Wisdom of the World' has the power to correct all inappropriate behavior and improper thoughts."
(Ohr Yisrael, Letter Four)
Like a general encouraging his soldiers on the eve of battle, Rabbi Yisrael Salanter encourages us with words of inspiration, wisdom, and hope. He now reveals another stratagem to ensure your triumph over your yetzer hara: convey these ideas to a friend. Your approach must be custom tailored to each person, according to his particular personality, values, and culture. By understanding his inner makeup before you attempt to discuss this topic with him, you will be able to approach him sensitively and effectively.
Rabbi Salanter urges you to "guide him to goodness." This means you can inspire your friend and encourage him by explaining that you know of a worthwhile strategy for mastering his eyes. Every Jewish soul yearns for holiness. He may be more willing to undertake this project than you anticipate.
By articulating your convictions and knowledge to others, you will clarify and reinforce them in yourself. You will review the dangers of letting your eyes rove and will increase your efforts to control them. Rabbi Salanter goes so far as to say that by guiding others you will be transformed, attaining levels of mitzvot and holy thoughts that you previously thought were not within your reach.
Another spiritual mechanism goes into operation as well: the Torah concept of middah k'neged middah, measure for measure. When we help others achieve spiritual well-being, G-d helps us achieve it too. Rabbi Yisrael taught, "In order to heal himself, a person should bring merit to others by influencing them to attain Yirat Shamayim and the wisdom of Mussar. And the Talmud teaches, 'All who have mercy on other people, Heaven will have mercy on them.' There is no greater compassion [for other human beings] than influencing others to study Mussar."
Today: Show this guidebook to a friend and offer to study it with him.
I decided to buy a little gift for Dave because I really appreciate the time he spends learning Mussar with me. I went to the Hebrew bookstore and bought him a gift certificate. When I gave it to him, though, his reaction was puzzled.
"Thanks, so much, Steve," he finally said, "but I don't understand why you did this."
"I just want to thank you for all the time we spend learning together."
"But I'm learning this for myself as much as for you," he protested. "It's doing just as much good for me as for you."
I had thought he was just being nice, helping me win my particular battle. It never occurred to me that there was something in it for him.
"Since we started learning about Shmirat Einayim together, I'm much less apt to slip up," he explained. "And somehow, by explaining it to you, I clarify these issues for myself too. You should try it. Who do you know who could benefit from learning about this?"
Now it was my turn to object. "Hey, I'm no master! Who am I to teach Shmirat Einayim to anybody? I'm not that good at it myself!"
"You don't have to be perfect. Share something good with someone else. You'll see; it will give you more strength."
I thought of my friend Sam, a guy I know at work. He's got the same challenges in the office that I do. I know him to be a sincere Jew; more than once he's mentioned that he wishes he had more time for Torah study. Maybe he'd like to take in a little Mussar on our lunch-break.
These e-mails are excerpts taken from the book "Windows of the Soul" by Rabbi Zvi Miller of the Salant Foundation.