The Rosh Yeshiva continues the story...
“This is not the Yerachmiel I know”, I thought to myself as I gave over the Shiur Klali in the Yeshiva hall. Yerachmiel, who usually doesn’t let any Svara pass him by - asking and joining in with his sharp mind, looked burnt out and closed within himself, as if only his body was here but he was somewhere else. After the Shiur, I came over to him and asked him how he was doing.
“I’m fine”, he replied unconvincingly, as if trying to brush me off. I knew that burnt look on his face only too well. After all, I myself had been in these situations countless times. And I didn’t intend to let it happen to him as well, I determined in my heart.
“Come with me to my office”, I instructed him. Yerachmiel escorted me down the hall, clearly unwillingly.
After a few moments of total silence, I decided to risk a calculated gamble. I asked him if he was angry at himself because of something he did and now regrets. His body language told me I was correct. Before I could get another word out of my mouth, Yerachmiel burst out crying as he murmured “I can’t do this any more! The Rav has no idea how much I tried to stand up to the test and not fall. I thought I would succeed, but in the end the temptation is always stronger than me. Why am I such a bad person? Why is my willpower so weak? Why can’t I ever succeed to overcome my urges, and instead only continue to sink more and more? The Rav is wasting his precious time with me - I am not worth it. The Mashgiach was right when he wanted to throw me out of the Yeshiva. I can’t learn Torah or even put on Teffilin after the things I do. I just want to leave everything - even Judaism!” he blurted out tearfully.
I gave him a few moments to calm down and then I asked: “Tell me Yerachmiel, my dear student, when an army goes out to battle, do they always win? Are there never casualties? People injured? Why do you start with the assumption that you must always win? Who says it needs to be “all or nothing”?
You surely remember what we learned: “There is no Tzadik on earth that does only good and never sins” (Koheles 7:20). Do you think you need to be more righteous than Avraham Avinu and Moshe Rabbeinu, that the Torah tells us that they too sinned?
The notion that you must always succeed actually turns you into easy prey for your Yetzer Hara. Did you ever think about it? Your evil inclination knows you a lot better than you know yourself. He knows your constant yearning for perfection and the high level of self-criticism you subject yourself to. Don’t you see how he is using your good qualities against you?
It is precisely these important qualities that are meant to allow you to grow and flourish, that are causing you to get down on yourself and enter into depression and hopelessness - to the point that you are talking about leaving everything, even Torah and Mitzvos. And why so extreme? Just because your Yetzer won you over a few times?
My dear Yerachmiel, maybe instead of focusing on those times you lost the battle with the Yetzer, we should start focusing on all the many times that you completely overpowered him? After all, you yourself told me just a few moments ago, that there were times that you won him over. Is this a small thing in your eyes, that you the small, were able to win over your crafty and cunning inclination, that dwells deep inside you and knows you inside out? If you would count, one by one, all the times that you won the Yetzer, and you would line them up against the times you lost, I am sure without the shadow of a doubt that you would immediately see you have the upper hand!