For more articles for spouses of addicts, visit the blog Problems with Porn.
This site provides support, advice and information for women who are struggling to deal with their partner using porn. There is no quick or easy fix but here you will find the knowledge you need to understand the problems; the encouragement you need to face them head on, and the inspiration you need to keep fighting for your relationship.
When you are in the middle of a problem with porn it can easily feel like this is the way life will always be. Always hard, always hurting, always struggling. It’s easy for me to say this isn’t true but until you are out the other side you won’t believe me.
So with that in mind, I want to ask you to decide to believe in six things which may seem impossible at the moment. Like Alice in Wonderland, have faith that these six things are true and use them as a basis to believe that you can overcome your problems (just like Alice slayed the Jabberwocky).
We can all feel like our partners want porn because there is something wrong with us but this is simply not true. Your partner using porn isn’t about you. There are a lot of things it is about but it’s not because you are not enough for him, not attractive enough for him or not willing enough for him. This is about him and only him.
You did not drive him to use porn. You did not make him use porn. There is nothing you did that meant that he had no choice but to use porn. It is not your fault. At all.
It may seem hard to believe but you can learn to trust again. Trust takes communication, a willingness to be vulnerable and a commitment to being honest but these things can all be developed. It takes hard work and a lot of effort on both sides. It may also lead to some difficult decisions about whether you can stay in your relationship but ultimately, if you want to be with someone you can trust then you can make this happen.
There is so much pain, devastation and hurt from porn that it can feel like you will never be the same again – and to a certain extent you won’t. But you can be better. You can grow stronger, you can move forward, you can forgive, you can heal. You can learn from your experiences and discover who you really are. You will be able to look back on your experience and feel grateful that you went through it because of the changes it led you to make.
Most likely, at this point, you are feeling pretty crappy about yourself. You might be comparing yourself to porn (don’t, by the way) or feeling like you are not enough for your partner. Here’s the thing though, by tackling the problems you are having with porn head on you will automatically start to feel better about yourself.
By standing up for your values you will stop people from treating you badly. By asking for more from your relationship you are making yourself important. By removing porn from your relationship you can start to feel more comfortable. By working on any issues that porn has brought up for you you will become more confident, stronger and more relaxed about yourself. By looking after yourself physically and emotionally you will become the best version of yourself that you can be. All of these things will make you feel good about yourself on the inside and that’s all you need to feel good about yourself on the outside.
It can often feel that there is no coming back from your problems with porn, that you’re doomed to have a miserable relationship for ever. Nope, not true. Not even close. If you and your partner can tackle the problems you are having with porn as a team, to address issues on both sides that are causing problems and to learn how to communicate your needs so these can be met you will be able to have a much stronger relationship than before porn even became an issue.
So there you have it, your six impossible things to believe before breakfast. Write them down, stick them somewhere you can see them each morning and just have faith that they are possible.